Jericho, 2012, End Timez!!!

Okay, so I might over dramatic here BUT the end of the semester is coming and I have been slacking and now I am going to pay for it... the next 2 weeks. ugh.

Tonight I need to write a case study, one I forgot about, one that I should have been doing a long time ago and I didn't... ugh (again).

I have to write other stuff too... papers, wiki project, case study, praxis paper... all the great amazing things that I need to be doing and I am here typing in my blog... ah, reminds me of college, reminds me of my purge that needs to happen... I forgot about the purge... I have only rediscovered it through my portfolio project. The one that I loved doing... the one that I learned so much about me as a writer doing, about my voice, about my motivations, about my road blocks... and have been converted to a lover of the portfolio. in the past i have seen as useless because i have never understood the purpose... i have also never reflected (properly) and I am becoming more reflective, more understanding of my process, more into understanding in general.

What is stopping me today from writing? Well... Jericho is... I rediscovered it recently then i discovered that it was on Netflix... i have already made it through season one and now into season 2 and I need to just stop watching and start writing. Right now I am on Episode 4 of season 2. I did start writing but then i stopped and started watching. It's nearly 5am and I need to be writing. I have shit to do people.... okay consider that a purge.

UMMMMMM.... Blog revived. Consider it. Love it. Follow it. Ignore it... I really don't care. Turns out that I am going to need it. I need to blog, need to purge, need to be able to let thoughts out in order to write. Maybe that is why this semester has been so brutal. BRUTAL. It could be the divorce, just a thought, but it is probably the lack of blogging. Ah, blogging, college, grad school, blogging, jericho and DAMN facebook!! curse you facebook and your games, your farmville, mafia wars, mousehunt, bejeweled blitz... the list is endless. Thank GOD i got over the whole 5 things lists... 5 things that distract me from being productive tonight.

1. Jericho

2. Facebook

3. my pets

4. checking random websites

5. peeing (yes, peeing. I have found myself going to the bathroom to pee in order to avoid doing the shit that i am supposed to do... write two lines, pee, check facebook, look at peoplefromwalmart.com, pet the cat, watch an episode of jericho... repeat)

Paper writing is going to take a long time. a long time I DON'T have... grrrrrr. Alright, I have to get to work turns out Blogging is only something I can do once, only something that can distract me once... so am i prolonging it? yes. :)

I am out of thing to say... I am out of things to say... welp time to pee.

update... what what

So, I suck at blogging... that is just my life. But here I am with my mind filled with all the things that I want to write. I was putting together my writing portfolio and I learned so much about myself... so much about who I am as a writer, things that I love about my writing and things that I hate about my writing.

I miss my writing... I miss the love of writing! I want to have that back... I do in brief moments but usually when I cannot write freely... it is like Marshall and his love life... wanting only what I cannot have at the moment, and then when I can have it... dismissing it. Shame.

anyway. i am working. i should do that but i just needed to get that out... just needed to purge those thoughts from my head.

summer reading list

I haven't written all semester because I had no clue how hard grad school would be!  It turns out that I work too much and I don't know how I made it through this semester (almost).  In celebration of getting through the past couple of months I am making a summer reading list (yes I am taking all suggestions).  I am going to do a blog of book reviews... I also want to compile teacher materials for each of the books so that I will have a go to place when I am teaching... another thing is to have my other teacher friends to comment and suggest and add to the blog.  I think that this could be a really great collaborative project (something that Bonnie would really love).  Anyway, that is what I have to say for now.  This summer I plan on much more blogging.

First Day of Grad School

I was told to blog.  to blog about my first day of grad school.  

I want to first back up some.... For the past couple of weeks I have felt quite anxious about starting school.  People said, "It'll be fine, you're going to be great, don't worry."  Yet I was anxious about starting school.  I don't know if it is just the unexpectedness of starting something new.  A prime example of this is when I started my first day at Hertz.  I stepped on Jay's glasses, I had no car so Jay drove me to work, spent the day not having a clue what I was doing, had to take a taxi home, cost me $18 for 5 miles, locked my self out, drank half a beer at the bar and cried about my day, left because I was so embarrassed to be crying in a bar while the sun was still up, walked to 2 different gas stations, sat on a picnic table behind my apartment and talked to Kat Glass on my cell phone until 9pm when Jay got off work.... that day sucked.  I know that there are always things that can go awry when starting something new and I think that I am afraid of those moments.  But I went into today with an open mind, a plan, and the expectation of hope.

So today.

First, I woke up and watched Obama take office.  A great way to start a day, or a year, or a presidency term... but because of the coverage I got a late start on getting ready.  I had to run around the house gathering my things and making last minute adjustments to my bag, laptop in, phone charger in, debit card in, all the essentials.  I looked up where I needed to park, what way I was going to take, what my room numbers were... everything, right?

So I take off at my pre-scheduled time and realize that I am STARVING.... so hungry that I am thinking that I have to get something to eat.  So I stop at the gas station to get something to eat I also grabbed a soda.  I am on my way now.

I am running so late.  Class start at 1.  I can't find my building, I can't find a parking spot... I am going to be late.  I have to park at a meter and I don't have any change on me or in the car.  II scrounge and find 2 nickles under the seat it is now 1:00.  I stick them in the meter and see that i have paid for 7 min. of parking.  I resolve to take my chances against the parking gods.  I trek off to class.  I am not in the parking lot that I think that I am in and I am much further away from my building than I had planned.  More time lost.  I find the building.  I get to my class and it is 1:10.  Professor knows who I am (I am the only person late).  This was my Reading in American Lit class... I am so excited to see the syllabus, see what I am reading... and I find out that it is a English/Philosophy class and we are reading mainly philosophy books.  (I am not against philosophy it was simply unexpected).  I am thinking the whole time I am in the wrong class, panicked the entire time.  Class ends and I have a couple of hours to spare.... I don't know where my next class is.... I have to find a place to look that up.... mind you my mom and I were fighting all through this as well.  So I drive around town doing nothing that I really needed to do...  i decide just to park in the parking ramp closest to my next class and pay the price...  I think I will go find my next class so I am not late and hang out near there.... I do.  I feel awkward.  As class time approached I walked over to the classroom, there was a guy sitting outside, there were people in the class and I thought that it was the previous class still not dismissed... so I wait, and I wait and wait... kid still sitting outside, no one going in and out.  finally at 4:29 another girl walks up make the same assumption as I do.  but then boy gets up and walks away.  we finally go in.... that class goes great.  I am really looking forward to it (except every boy in the class is a different type of chode, annoying).  As I am leaving the class I pick up my loaded bag and sprain my wrist.  like seriously I sprained my wrist...  so i decided to go pick my battle with the university bookstore... I ordered my books like a week ago and they haven't even processed my order.... annoying.  spent time dealing with that.  i contemplated getting cash for the money owed for parking but think... they have to take debit card.  they don't.  cash or check ONLY. so i am think....  my bad does have everything in it so i frantically look for my check book.  it was only $3 but I didn't have that... didn't have change so I had to write and IOU.  Awesome.

In all seriousness though.  I am so glad to be back in school.  I am excited and once I get all the parking, and books, and timing down it is going to be awesome.  I will write more once I get going on my classes but I think that is enough for tonight.

it's been one year

I know that my blog has been overly emotional lately but that is kinda how I feel... and it is my blog so i will do what i want with it.

Today is the one year mark... one years since my dad died.  I am looking back over the year and trying to think what I've done.  

1.  I held 2 funerals, for one person, but two funerals nonetheless.  Hardest, and most memorable thing I've done to date.  

2.  I quit Hertz.  I hate to say it but it is something that I have wanted to do for about 3 years.  granted there was a lot of time in there in which I did like my job.  It never was for me and that is okay.  I am glad to have been there and had the experience and met the people I did but I am equally as glad to be done.  

3. I've applied and got accepted to GRAD school.  I am so glad that I did this.... i have been thinking about it for sometime and I am so glad that I dove in and will be starting back to school in like days... and I am excited about that.

4. I am working at a great place and feel good at the end of the day when I come home.  Foundation 2 is awesome, I love the work environment, I love the job that I do.  I LOVE it.

5. I've made a lot of good friends.  I have been hurt by people along the way... but I'm not perfect and I am sure that I have hurt some people too.... lessons learned and other friendships strengthened.

6. Survived a flood.  a 500 year flood.  this is something that i will never forget.  watching water rise in my city.  Cross over the flooded city on 380 and literally losing it.... because it was demolished.  Knowing that the water was just 2 blocks from my house, my house that was "never" going to be in danger of flooding.  I also got to see what it means to live in the Midwest.  There really is no place like this, the way strangers stand up and help one another, when the last well is the city was about to go under water and the news announced they need sand baggers and 1500 people showed up at 11:30 at night.  I know that these few sentences don't do justice to what happened but those are my memories of it.  

7. I've traveled less this last year.  I've visited my dad's grave 4 times.  I've been to Utah only once and besides that I haven't gone too many other places... and I'm okay with that.

I know that a lot more happened in the last year but those are the things that are most pressing. I feel like my life is split right now... into the before dad died and the after.... i look at everything I do know and ask, "Am I making my dad proud?"  I know I am.  I just wish he was hear to see it with me.  

is it written somewhere?

I find myself expecting people to just know the pain that I feel about my dad dying.  I feel like it is written into the expressions on my face... when i meet someone i feel like they should just know that I think of my dad anytime I meet a man over the age of 40.  I don't understand how something can be so large inside my head and be so small in the world.  It should just be written somewhere... so i don't have to tell anyone but they will know not to bring up certain topics so I don't have to think about it.  Not that it would help that much.  It is only going to get worse as we approach the 16th.  I just keep going over in my head...  "where was I last year this time..."  I know every date and know what I was feeling and I keep reliving all those emotions.  I know that on the 2nd my dad went into the hospital.  I got the call on Jan 10th that it was time to come home.  I flew on the 11th home hoping that my dad would stay alive long enough for me to see him one last time.  I remember that every time my plane landed the feeling of calling home to make sure that he was still alive.  Always being so relived to know that he was alive just that little bit longer.  He was barely talking at this point so I couldn't talk to him.  I am not sure I could have even handled that... I remember at Christmas last year when I was trying to get home and after driving through a blizzard for 4 hours to barely make my flight then missing my connection by 10 mins in Denver and breaking down at the airport. People had to think I was losing it because I did that all out cry at the Denver Airport.  I mean it was the hardest I ever cried in public.  I didn't want to have to hear my dad's dying voice at another airport.  I remember what it was like when I finally got into Salt Lake and then driving up the canyon listening to breath of heaven over and over again.... there is something in the song that breaks my heart but also mends it back together.  

When I finally got to my dad's house it was weird because in my head I was thinking "it's okay to die now dad."  Such a weird feeling to be thinking that... like giving permission.  Then my uncle Dan and Grandma Holladay came and my dad was so funny.  He was animated and talking and even sat up in the bed.  It was the last time that I would see him that way.  I also remember that night, that first night was hell because I was up with my mom all night doing meds, changing diapers (my dad couldn't get out of bed so we would have to have him pee in a diaper, I think that memory will be with me for a long time, I had to convince him to pee the bed.  He didn't want to and he really didn't want me there when he was doing it.), I didn't sleep one bit that night.  I laid on the floor of my dad's room and helped my mom and gave my dad a little sponge with water on it.  It was a long night.  There were several more nights like that where I just didn't sleep because I needed to be there for my dad.  There were other people that could have stepped in but I also knew that I was taking on a new role in my family... it was like my transition into adulthood...  I was now the one that held the weight of the family the way my dad had.  I was the one that had to keep it together.  It was now me.  People may not know this but the paying for the funeral was also something that fell on my shoulders.  We had jars put out at local businesses because we didn't have the money.  Once a day we had to go out and collect the money and then roll the change to take to the bank.  We literally rolled nickels and dimes to pay for my dad's funeral.  It was overwhelming, to rely on the goodness of other's spare change to pay for the funeral.  It will stick with me for the rest of my life, I can't pass up a jar at the gas station with out putting some money in there.  Whatever cash I have goes in there because I know what it is like when you collect that jar and count the cash and think of all the people that contributed to paying the bills.  I remember the day my dad died.  January 16th, 2008.  I remember it vividly.  That was the 5th day of me being there... that morning the rest of my family went back to school and work and my mom decided to leave the house.  I didn't want to leave, I couldn't, I had no where to go anyway.  It was about 1 o'clock and at this point we had to rotate him.  We had to roll him over a couple times every day.  Me and Grandma Clara had to roll him over and as we started to roll him his breathing was becoming more labored.  That morning his breathing had changed, it was shallow and rapid.  I knew that he was breathing, Grandma went and got her heart monitor to see what dad's heart rate was and I was just holding him, holding him and telling him it was okay to go, I told him that I would take care of everyone, that he just needed to go and be done with the pain.  I knew that his pain was bad, I just wanted him to know that I would step in his shoes and do what needed to be done.  He died.  I had to call everyone and tell them to come home.  I don't know where my mom was at that time but she ended up trying to walk back to dad's.  Amrit came home from school, someone picked up Landon and brought him home, we were all there as a family and I knew that from that moment on I would carry those memories with me forever.  I made the appropriate notification, to Kristin, to work, to the funeral home, to Tara... I don't remember these moments as vividly.  The funeral home told us to call when we were ready to have them come.  I think they came sometime around 5.  I think I was the one who called them, but I am unsure about that...  I finally slept that day, like I could just relax.  I slept for so long.  They came maybe the next day to take his bed (it was all hospice's stuff in his room at that point).  After that things get blurrier and less sharp at the edges.

I didn't know that Christmas and New Years would be this hard to get through.  It is like I went through the motions but didn't really think because if I did it would be too hard.  I resolved for the new year to have a less traumatic 2009.  I hope that can happen.

I have nothing more to say about that subject...  I just needed to write it out.  I don't think I have been ready to talk about it all until tonight...

A lady at work told me that her dad died about 10 years ago and just recently she is starting to remember the before he was sick days more than the one's where he was in the hospital.  It is hopeful that it will happen one day.  10 years is a long time to wait for that this past year has been hard enough... but here's to a less traumatic 2009.

i stole this but thought it seemed funny

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
A: "Corey needs a haircut"

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
A: "Corey looks like that girl from the gym..." likely.

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
A: "Corey says in part " The halt in trade, which was in at the close of the fear 1J20 continued through January, i91; so that the situation became extremely ..."

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
A: "Corey wants to battle"

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
A: "Corey does Dallas"-- this is funny on so many levels

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
A: "Corey Hates John McCain, Possibly Even as Much as McCain Hates "[Insert Horrific Racial Slur]"

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search:
A:"COREY ASKS ACCOUNTING.; He Sues His Partner, Riter, Who Financed "The Amber Empress."

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
A:"Corey Goes Wild: A Reenactment"

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search:
A: "Corey Likes Lesbians" -- this isn't an untrue statement

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search:
A: "Corey EATS it on Hiller

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search:
A: "maybe Corey wears a pirate patch..."

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search:
A: "Corey was arrested for carrying a loaded gun prior to the incident"


this was fun... i liked seeing what came up.

remembering...

It is weird how you push certain things from your brain... memory is funny. weird funny. I was remembering things in the past couple of days from about about 2003. what like 6 years ago? something that i consider etched in my mind... a night where world views were shattered and i can't remember the details... and neither can others from that night. i think it is weird that it is so vivid and so blurred at the edges. I want to say just because I don't remember the details down to the t... i do remember that night... i remember it really well. I hate that night, and i love that night, and it is a weird conflict of truth.

enough about that... i am trying to write more. i did write 2 pages. i need to look at them again and see if I still like it.

it has been snowing like a bitch and i am sick of that... i want no snow in 2009. i don't know if that is possible but i am going to write my congressmen and see what they can do about it. hopefully something.

i was remembering things the other day... trying to get all my memories of my dad together... i need to write them down. i feel like my brother won't remember them because he is only 15. i don't remember them all... and the ones that i do remember are the more recent ones of him being sick. i hate those memories... but i wouldn't be me without them. someone at work was telling me that her dad died about 9 years ago and she is just starting to not remember those moments of her dad being sick in the hospital. i hope it goes faster than 9 years. memories.

sunday night

i think that i am going to start doing a book review on here....



it is weird cause right now i am only working like 32 hrs per week and i have an obscene amount of free time so until school starts i am going to be blogging like daily because i don't know what else to do.... i am going to start reading twilight... figure i should just concede now and read it since i know that i am going to read it eventually. also i am trying to get myself in my new work schedule. i am going to be working 4-midnight so i am trying to make myself stay up that late on a regular basis. also i am trying to make sure that i still get up at a decent time because i will have school during the day but i don't really know what my schedule is going to be like



i just need to make a plan. i am thinking about getting a 2nd job... i am waiting though to see how much time i am going to have... i have no idea. i just need to wait til school starts and then i can see how these things are going to work out. but i am just so anxious. i just need my plan figured out and then life will be less crazy.

7 things

I read this somewhere but i was told to write about 7 things that most people don't know or wouldn't know about me... of course there are going to be some people that know almost everything about me.... so whatever... like it or not

1. if i won the lottery i would buy a new pair of socks for everyday. i love new socks and i would buy a new pair for everyday. i would wash and donate them so that they wouldn't be wasted but i would only wear them once... i sometimes dream about opening a drawer full of brand new socks.

2. i stalk people on the Internet... if it is facebook or google... i like to see what i can find out about people. i think that this is something that a lot of people do but i always feel creepy about it so i don't like to talk about it.

3. i hate seeing people get embarrassed on tv. if it is reality tv it is worse but any embarrassing moment will make me turn the channel or sometime i just cover my face. if it is a really bad embarrassing moment i have to cover my face... or sometimes i will put my fingers in my ears and hum so i can't hear any of it...

4. sometimes i wait til the last min to pee... it is like i like to know how long i can hold it or just like the thrill or rush of when i am rushing to make it to the bathroom... weird yes

5. i love to watch the antique roadshow. it is one of my favorite shows. i like when people make big money off a purchase that they got at a garage sale. i envision that the person that sold it to them is also watching and getting really mad because they sold a $12,000 clown statue for 5o cents (did you know there is not cent symbol on the keyboard anymore?)

6. i love the sound to typing. it is a therapeutic sound for me.... i think it is because i love writing but i love the sound of keys clapping....


this is really hard to think of stuff. i am stuck. boo

7. i love ufc fighting. i watch it all the time. i even watch the reality show... the ultimate fighter. i dvr fights and herb dean is my favorite ref. (although i really like steve mazagatti as well). i used to think that it was barbaric and that i shouldn't watch it but really it is safer than boxing, and that i do like... plus dana white is so hot... i think it is more his personality than his bald head but he is hot.

okay so i did it and well it was hard and i don't thing that there are any life shattering confessions in this list but this is me... a bunch of useless information

update... read it.

so my life has gotten really crazy but in a good crazy way...



1. i don't work for Hertz... that is weird but really good. i made the decision a long time ago that i wasn't going to work for Hertz forever and well i knew that was coming to an end fast. it was really weird to leave Hertz though, like i am still having a hard time adjusting to a job that doesn't require 50+ hours per week



2. my new job is amazing!! i work for Foundation 2. I am a crisis counselor. Basically I answer the Crisis line, which can constitute anything from family issues to financial issues. The crisis center though focuses on Suicide prevention. we are the counselors that answer the national lifeline and hopeline. I am really excited to be working here... I am actually going to be making a difference in someone's life on a day to day basis instead of just renting them cars. I am really excited.



3. i start grad school in Jan. and i am such a nerd... but i am so excited. what is really dorky is i am going to be able to take just straight English courses.... i am sooo excited for that!! i am longing to read and write and discuss literature in a classroom setting. i can't believe that i am saying that but i am so pumped



4. i think that is all as far as changes but i am carrying on with the numbered bullets theme for the rest of this blog. i am using my new laptop on my couch with my new wireless modem that qwest just sent me today. at first i didn't know why they sent it because i was like... hello i have a modem already then i was looking at it and it is going to make my life sooooo much easier. which is always a good thing.

5. i quit importing on facebook... i didn't like that everyone i knew in my life would get a live feed update that i had written a note. if people want to read my blog they can.... it is listed on my facebook and those who usually read it know that there is usually nothing here but also know to check it every now and then because i sometimes write ( i just used the wrong form of "write" by initially typing "right") crazy.

6. i am done for now.

it has been a year....

literally...

wow time flies. i am wondering to myself if i should change this blog into something else or if i should just keep it going because it is still life after coe... but that seems to be getting less and less significant as time goes.... should it be life after marriage, life after cancer, life after hertz? i almost feel like my life is just a series of afters.... i am just living post- something.

it is like i am teetering on an unseen edge and each time i step out in faith, or am simply pushed i wonder is this the time that i step over the edge. i am making this all so dramatic but in reality it is what it is.... and some of the post have been great. maybe it is just the way i define myself. in the past. not here. i am working towards something. and maybe prince was right when he said "maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied"- and i think that is more a reflection of me than my mother... i am always wanting to be in the next step. just past where i am. i want... and i can't tell you. i want whatever isn't happening right now.

things are good. my life is heading in directions that i am scared of... off to school again, not working the normal 9-5 job for the next couple of years and i know that i should be ecstatic (and i am...) i am just freaking out that there is so much at stake if i fail. not that i am going to fail... i just miss the days where failing didn't have so much meaning. yeah it sucked and you had to tell your friends, family, and whoever else you want. but now if i fail, if my plan doesn't work, i have a husband that is affected, i have a house to lose, in-laws to face, and everyone will know... risk correlates with reward. it is worth it is is just nail biting. and when i was still waiting to hear back from Iowa all would be fine when i knew if i was in or out... and now.... i am ready to be done with where i am now.... odd.

i am going to write more. i am. just not now.

some one lied.

Okay. so i was comparing some people and I found out that I am 63rd most athletic. let's be serious folks- that's a lie. unless there are only 63 people on that dumb thing. if i remember correctly it was just tonight that I was telling someone that i haven't done a crunch since high school when I was last forced. I think that last form of athletic activity was when Marshall and I would play our made up racket ball game, which consisted of me getting hit with a racket ball over and over again because Marshall was always winning. so it really takes away from my 6th place "most confident" listing. because i am in no way athletic.

So in all seriousness I really do want to just get this off my chest. My dad has terminal cancer. I am talking no cure, no nothing terminal cancer. It is really weird to read it on the screen like that 6 letters dripping with so much emotion; C-A-N-C-E-R. and the really hard part is saying the word terminal. Nothing my family has ever faced has been terminal we have always had control. I can fix anything make anything happen and I can't this time. I have to watch my father die and 15 year old brother cope with it-- and find a way to cope with it myself. I feel okay today because I think that God has brought my family to where we are. but will i be okay tomorrow? how about when he dies? i don't know. all I know is my father is only going to walk one child down the aisle and that is me. and my children won't know him and my brother will come of age without a father and my sisters will eventually marry and my brother will give them away. and there is nothing that I can do about it. and that is the hardest. 3 years in the making this cancer and we didn't know. we didn't know that this is what we have worked for as a family, bring it all together to know that we are going to lose the only father I have ever had or ever will at this point. it makes me sick, to see him get sick or the thought of it. Not that I can even imagine what it will get to, or even where he is already because I can't be there not from here and maybe that is why I am getting so mad tonight. I don't want to be there, or here for that matter, I want this part of my life to belong to someone else. Let me have my family for once without crisis- for once without something else standing in the way. Today I don't feel strong about it. I do and I don't. I can't even imagine what it will be like when he is here. as he walks me down the aisle, as we have that dance, will he be able to dance for long? I hate and I am mad. but tonight I will get that out because I have to move forward... put on a smile. Let God take these feelings away from me... because I can't carry them.
I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did, but let's be serious, I needed it. Keep my family in your prayers-
c

what's the deal?

I dont get what is going on in the cosmos. i'm not ready to write about this yet but just keep praying for my family right now. I dont know what else to say. wedding is one month away and i am going to be married and even older yet. 24 is not all it was cracked up to be and i didn't realize that 21 was the last birthday you looked forward to or cared how old you were at least. now i am never really sure how old i am when people ask me. i always have to ask someone around me for a reference age. Like Barry is 23 (until wednesday) so that means that i am 24. it is weird to not remember really what that means. also next year i am going to 25. now folks that is old. or at least in my world. but that is all i have to say about that.

is this really what I wanted

without going any further. yes. i've been struggling for the past few days coping with something really stupid. stupid like i shouldn't be. I have been mulling over the past and how things could have been different, and where i could still be and is that where i should be? and today i don't know what it was that made me realize it but this is where i should be and where i want to be and what i unknowingly was supposed to be doing.
I've been afraid that i had ignored what i should have been looking at that maybe i had missed all the signs. Like things had gotten blurry so gradual that i hadn't noticed, until i got my eyes checked, that things looked like this... but really i was squinting so hard to notice something wrong that i was distorting it all myself. I can't say if you'll understand that but i know what's true- i had someone challenge me once to defend the life i had chosen- so different than what i think they or myself expected for me. but you know- as i was defending it i only further confirmed to myself that this is where and what I want to be. it is my calling. some think it is so much less than "what i could be" but really i have always said it. my number one calling in life is to have kids and be a mother to them- now before any massive facebook rumors start flying- NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. but i will be someday and when it happens i know that will be what i am all about- i've seen great examples and some times not so good examples and that and the love i already have for that child will be my greatest and most satisfying accomplishment.
This doubt of myself has stemmed from something so minute that i realized in order to have a solid foundation i have to cut out the disease that is there. Me being so worried about it infecting me will be my worst enemy. I have to remove it and move on.
I will also mourn the loss of this in one quiet moment to myself- life is strange the twists and turns and there is something that must be done. and i will do it.
just let me have my moment.

i'm skin disease

I was looking on google at images that corresponded with my name and this is what i came up with... diseased tatoos. See i hate my super common name that everyone in the world had including football players. I feel like there is an injustice in a system where anyone can have anyone's name. it is so easy. i mean i could go today and say i want my name to be marshall smith and they would do it. now keep in mind i would NEVER do that because that name is truely a disease but you get my point. i am sad that if i am googled this is what you find for "corey l davis" - gross tatoos.

so it turns out i'm old

Today i had a realization that i am old. now i am only 23 but i am old. i am going to be married. i have a house with a garden i work in. i go to bed early, i do crosswords for fun, i have regular programming on prime time tv, i got up on both sat and sunday at 6:30am. had 5 beers and thought "at least i drank" and now i am at work and am about to commute home. i am old and i dont like it.

what are you going to do about. tell me.

flowers from my garden

I have been looking around my yard periodically and finding these great treasures in my yard. Part of me feels bad that i call it "my garden" because in reality it is from the woman that lived here before. I just have what is left over. But it is mine and i love it because everyday i am finding new things springing up here and there and i really do like it. i have been going around and taking pictures of it everyday.
I recently was promoted and i am really excited about it but nervous in the same sense. it is like i have to start from scratch on knowing all the specific stuff. i was transfered to Iowa City and now i have learn all new customers, clients, and just the perticulars. I hate it but also love the chance there. the opportunity.
I really dont have much to say i guess. I just wanted to write for writing's sake. i miss that. i need to write more. i should.

another broken promise

i guess i did it again... i failed at blogging. I know that it has been forever since i last blogged but i will say that i have gotten my computer fixed so that i can actually do stuff on my computer. it is kind of amazing.
I really dont have much to say... my life is pretty much the same. there is actually one big thing that i can't talk about yet because other people dont know what i know but once they know i will be able to talk about it.... so look forward to that.
I hung out with laura dostal and i forgot how much i missed her and other coe people. It was amazing because i got to see her senior art show and got to see what she has been doing. also we might paint this summer- i mean we are going to paint. I can't wait. I miss painting and writing and doing all those great things that I love. I can't wait til i dont work so much. it is going to be really nice.
wedding plans are going great. Just a few more major things and then it is just down to the minor details which will be nice. i am kinda crying inside because marshall isn't going to be there. I know that tyler is his brother and all but i totally called dibbs because i planned on getting married first. so i win.
the house is good. we just got done redoing our bathroom. i have a shower now. I am super excited to be able to shower now. My mom's boyfriend tiled the shower and the floor and jay and brad are doing the rest. It was a little expensive but now it is totally worth it. I will have some pictures up.
also since i last wrote... my grandpa died. Very sudden and tragic. i am sad that he isn't going to be at my wedding. i think that is the hardest thing for me to face right now. i think it is hard to grasp the idea that he is gone to i have to get through things one at a time. the wedding is big but it will be hard when i have children and they will never know my grandpa and how great he is... i know that i can tell them but they will never hear his bear attack stories or know how amazingly magnetic of a personality he had. how you just want to be around him and in his attention and know that this man loves you. loves me. loved me. I miss him. there is just so much to miss.

a day for the toilets

so i lost my cell phone today. to the toilet. it was such a split second sort of thing that i couldn't even think what happened and plunged my hand into the toilet after it. i was coming home to let the pippy out and some how she escaped from the kitchen, where we keep her during the day while we are at work, and had gotten into everything in the living room and dining room but i had to hurry and let her out to pee then i had to pee. well in my hurry to pee my phone fell out of my pocket and straight to the bottom of the toilet. and sickening plunk plunk and i knew immediately it was done. and it was. so now i have this crappy loaner phone until the 1st of march when i am eligible for my upgrade for free. i guess though that it could be worse off because they could say sorry no loaner phone for you and i would be screwed. but this one doesn't have and antenna so there is no signal and worst of all i only have like 4 numbers in it so am only able to call the bank, jay, jay's, parents and work. i dont even know my parents phone number. isn't that weird to not know phone numbers anymore. i mean i used to be able to remember all my friends numbers by heart and now i dont even know my moms. it was just speed dial three. it is strange how attached we become the familiar. whether it be speed dial 3 or 2023-
that is something else that i have been meaning to complain about. at work we have user IDs and my number since i have worked for Hertz has been 2023. this number however had to be changed for security reasons and now it is 1371 so stupid number that means nothing to me and is messing my whole world up. it is hard enough when it is password changing day but then to not have the same ID is it like taking the nose off my face and switching it like i am some sort of Mr. Potato head- and let me tell you- i am no potato. but what can you do... i just miss 2023.

so now that i dont suck at blogging so bad... could you all please send me you phone numbers. i am without and i dont know what to do.