is this really what I wanted

without going any further. yes. i've been struggling for the past few days coping with something really stupid. stupid like i shouldn't be. I have been mulling over the past and how things could have been different, and where i could still be and is that where i should be? and today i don't know what it was that made me realize it but this is where i should be and where i want to be and what i unknowingly was supposed to be doing.
I've been afraid that i had ignored what i should have been looking at that maybe i had missed all the signs. Like things had gotten blurry so gradual that i hadn't noticed, until i got my eyes checked, that things looked like this... but really i was squinting so hard to notice something wrong that i was distorting it all myself. I can't say if you'll understand that but i know what's true- i had someone challenge me once to defend the life i had chosen- so different than what i think they or myself expected for me. but you know- as i was defending it i only further confirmed to myself that this is where and what I want to be. it is my calling. some think it is so much less than "what i could be" but really i have always said it. my number one calling in life is to have kids and be a mother to them- now before any massive facebook rumors start flying- NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. but i will be someday and when it happens i know that will be what i am all about- i've seen great examples and some times not so good examples and that and the love i already have for that child will be my greatest and most satisfying accomplishment.
This doubt of myself has stemmed from something so minute that i realized in order to have a solid foundation i have to cut out the disease that is there. Me being so worried about it infecting me will be my worst enemy. I have to remove it and move on.
I will also mourn the loss of this in one quiet moment to myself- life is strange the twists and turns and there is something that must be done. and i will do it.
just let me have my moment.