some one lied.

Okay. so i was comparing some people and I found out that I am 63rd most athletic. let's be serious folks- that's a lie. unless there are only 63 people on that dumb thing. if i remember correctly it was just tonight that I was telling someone that i haven't done a crunch since high school when I was last forced. I think that last form of athletic activity was when Marshall and I would play our made up racket ball game, which consisted of me getting hit with a racket ball over and over again because Marshall was always winning. so it really takes away from my 6th place "most confident" listing. because i am in no way athletic.

So in all seriousness I really do want to just get this off my chest. My dad has terminal cancer. I am talking no cure, no nothing terminal cancer. It is really weird to read it on the screen like that 6 letters dripping with so much emotion; C-A-N-C-E-R. and the really hard part is saying the word terminal. Nothing my family has ever faced has been terminal we have always had control. I can fix anything make anything happen and I can't this time. I have to watch my father die and 15 year old brother cope with it-- and find a way to cope with it myself. I feel okay today because I think that God has brought my family to where we are. but will i be okay tomorrow? how about when he dies? i don't know. all I know is my father is only going to walk one child down the aisle and that is me. and my children won't know him and my brother will come of age without a father and my sisters will eventually marry and my brother will give them away. and there is nothing that I can do about it. and that is the hardest. 3 years in the making this cancer and we didn't know. we didn't know that this is what we have worked for as a family, bring it all together to know that we are going to lose the only father I have ever had or ever will at this point. it makes me sick, to see him get sick or the thought of it. Not that I can even imagine what it will get to, or even where he is already because I can't be there not from here and maybe that is why I am getting so mad tonight. I don't want to be there, or here for that matter, I want this part of my life to belong to someone else. Let me have my family for once without crisis- for once without something else standing in the way. Today I don't feel strong about it. I do and I don't. I can't even imagine what it will be like when he is here. as he walks me down the aisle, as we have that dance, will he be able to dance for long? I hate and I am mad. but tonight I will get that out because I have to move forward... put on a smile. Let God take these feelings away from me... because I can't carry them.
I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did, but let's be serious, I needed it. Keep my family in your prayers-
c