motherhood takes her latest victim

my pig died last night giving birth to baby guineas. she was sweet and liked carrots and would squeak when i would open the fridge. it was seriously one of the most heartbreaking things to watch. she was just lying there in her pen making this horrible noise and i could just tell she was in pain. one second she was breathing and the next she wasn't. we burried her today and i cried opening the fridge when i got home because i didn't hear her little sqeak. i think that the worst part is that barnabee is gone and the babies in her are gone too and beans (the daddy) doesn't even really know what is going on. he just knows that he doesn't have his friend anymore. most people can't get how much jay and i loved these pigs so maybe they dont see how deeply this hurts or they think i am stupid cause i cried but i dont care because it is the same as losing a dog or a cat. this one goes to mother nature but i sure am going to be mad at her for a little while.
other than that... life is what it is. things suck, work sucks, my apartment is dirty, and i have a lonely pig. i'm still trying to catch up on sleep from my 80 hr work week last week and possibly gearing up for another one next week. we will see! anyway. i am excited for homecoming and jay just told me the room is moving so i think i will go check on him.

this is just how i feel

so i know you are going to inundated with 9/11 images and memories and all that but i am going to do this anyway.
i can so vividly remember that day. it was less than one month into my freshman year in college. i lived with melissa lajoie, tiffany stewart, and lindsay bowen on 3rd douglas (yes that year it was a female floor).
i guess i dont want to remember that day so much but i want to remember that feeling. because it is such a scary feeling to have... and then if we forget how we felt what did it mean in the first place. i know that we can't live in fear or in the past or any of those cliches. but i know that i hate that i can feel something so much and then not remember how important that was.... and there are times when we feel the drama of day to day event and we feel that is the most important thing and then two weeks down the road (sometimes longer) we look back and realize how silly that was but i am talking about real.... hard, painful, loving feelings. have you ever hurt somebody and then felt horrible about it and then later can't remember that pain that you felt for hurting someone. i dont want to forget those feelings.
on 9/11 i remember being a part of something larger than coe, than ottawa, than my japanese lit class... there was a greater connection to americans to families of those who passed away- i felt their pain (or as much as i could) as they searched through ash for some sign of their loved ones. i know that i dont know that pain, but i want to remember what i felt. remember how i cried for a pregnant woman who lost her husband. what i felt when i saw the second plan go into the towers... remember the feeling of being at polk elementary and trying to reassure the children things were okay and only being 18 and not knowing what okay meant or how to tell a 5 year-old kid what had happened. and well i am remembering for me moreso than you or them because if i dont remember then all those tears and moments of uncertainty is lost because i didn't gain a thing from it... that sounds really selfish but like i said... this is just how i feel.

i can't write

i have sat here for an hour trying to write but couldn't... think of anything so i am just going to tell stories from working at the gas station. there was this guy that used to come in all the time and we called him the can man. he would go around to all the dumpsters in the area and get cans and bottles to bring and get money so that he can get mini pitchers at chuck and dales. well when i was on vacation i guess he came in one night and was returning cans and he just started pooping... yes pooping in the store. so i guess he ran to the bathroom and got poop all over the bathroom. so now he isn't allowed to come into the store anymore.... i guess he has had this problem at a bunch of places and now the can man is barred from most of the SW side for pooping.
i have to work there tonight. and tomorrow. and then back to the exciting world of HERTZ on monday!!! woot woot!
i wish that i was into my job more. i mean there is something to just working for money... and not gaining anything else from it. in college i worked and i wasn't worried about having meaning because it wasn't what i was doing... what i was doing was going to college and just working for money. now what i am doing is working and i gain nothing from it. i hate it. i hate the way i just work to make money to pay bills to have nothing to show for it and to not even enjoy the job i do. there are very few times that i come home at the end of the day and i feel satisfied with what i had done that day.
i guess that i am going to go. this is the most pointless blog. sorry you had to read it

news gluttony

Gluttony i feel over fed on the news feed. facebook has taken social stalking to the next level.
i feel like dustin must have felt after 8 bowls of never ending pasta bowl, jay after 9 baskets of all you can eat wings, and marshall after one fat pig during pigfest.
well actually i am just really full myself but i am being really serious here this has gone too far. i just read about all the people who wrote on katie bunger's wall wishing her a happy birthday. i also dont like that anyone who looks at my profile will know that i wrote on holly's wall and added a new friend. this is weird. who requested this change in facebook. i mean what sick freak came up with this idea. ummm i am going to eat some tiramissu (however you spell that) even though i am really full
corey

i miss him too

i know this is weird. and certain people will understand this but i dont care. you know when you just have someone who is your friend... who is unconditionally there for you. and then it is like he is all of a sudden just out of your life. i dont even feel like i know anything going on... and well i hate it cause there are all these other poeple who are there in that life he misses and that miss him and you want to yell at and say... "no, i miss him" but you can't cause those people are your friends too and well you also know that you haven't been that good of a friend as you should have been. and now he is leaving. and i can't say "i miss you" or "i'll miss you" cause because that isn't the way we work. i just miss all the funny things that we used to come up with... cause let's face it we were hilarious. and i know that we still are and that we are still friends but i also know that he lives in the now and and i am not there and haven't been and i am just going to be sad and then i will get over it. and know that i am okay and that our friendship is okay. i just miss him.
and like i said i will get over it. but not today. today is my day of mourning... and i am not mourning our friendship... i am mourning all those moments where we just had fun. where we had no worries other than the paper we had to write and the other minor dramas and i wasn't missing i was just living. i want to just live again. and not have to miss so i am going to just mourn those moments so i can bury them down deep and then it won't miss so bad.
but i am going to miss today. and there is nothing i want done about it... just to miss and mourn.