it has been a year....

literally...

wow time flies. i am wondering to myself if i should change this blog into something else or if i should just keep it going because it is still life after coe... but that seems to be getting less and less significant as time goes.... should it be life after marriage, life after cancer, life after hertz? i almost feel like my life is just a series of afters.... i am just living post- something.

it is like i am teetering on an unseen edge and each time i step out in faith, or am simply pushed i wonder is this the time that i step over the edge. i am making this all so dramatic but in reality it is what it is.... and some of the post have been great. maybe it is just the way i define myself. in the past. not here. i am working towards something. and maybe prince was right when he said "maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied"- and i think that is more a reflection of me than my mother... i am always wanting to be in the next step. just past where i am. i want... and i can't tell you. i want whatever isn't happening right now.

things are good. my life is heading in directions that i am scared of... off to school again, not working the normal 9-5 job for the next couple of years and i know that i should be ecstatic (and i am...) i am just freaking out that there is so much at stake if i fail. not that i am going to fail... i just miss the days where failing didn't have so much meaning. yeah it sucked and you had to tell your friends, family, and whoever else you want. but now if i fail, if my plan doesn't work, i have a husband that is affected, i have a house to lose, in-laws to face, and everyone will know... risk correlates with reward. it is worth it is is just nail biting. and when i was still waiting to hear back from Iowa all would be fine when i knew if i was in or out... and now.... i am ready to be done with where i am now.... odd.

i am going to write more. i am. just not now.