what's the deal?

I dont get what is going on in the cosmos. i'm not ready to write about this yet but just keep praying for my family right now. I dont know what else to say. wedding is one month away and i am going to be married and even older yet. 24 is not all it was cracked up to be and i didn't realize that 21 was the last birthday you looked forward to or cared how old you were at least. now i am never really sure how old i am when people ask me. i always have to ask someone around me for a reference age. Like Barry is 23 (until wednesday) so that means that i am 24. it is weird to not remember really what that means. also next year i am going to 25. now folks that is old. or at least in my world. but that is all i have to say about that.

is this really what I wanted

without going any further. yes. i've been struggling for the past few days coping with something really stupid. stupid like i shouldn't be. I have been mulling over the past and how things could have been different, and where i could still be and is that where i should be? and today i don't know what it was that made me realize it but this is where i should be and where i want to be and what i unknowingly was supposed to be doing.
I've been afraid that i had ignored what i should have been looking at that maybe i had missed all the signs. Like things had gotten blurry so gradual that i hadn't noticed, until i got my eyes checked, that things looked like this... but really i was squinting so hard to notice something wrong that i was distorting it all myself. I can't say if you'll understand that but i know what's true- i had someone challenge me once to defend the life i had chosen- so different than what i think they or myself expected for me. but you know- as i was defending it i only further confirmed to myself that this is where and what I want to be. it is my calling. some think it is so much less than "what i could be" but really i have always said it. my number one calling in life is to have kids and be a mother to them- now before any massive facebook rumors start flying- NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. but i will be someday and when it happens i know that will be what i am all about- i've seen great examples and some times not so good examples and that and the love i already have for that child will be my greatest and most satisfying accomplishment.
This doubt of myself has stemmed from something so minute that i realized in order to have a solid foundation i have to cut out the disease that is there. Me being so worried about it infecting me will be my worst enemy. I have to remove it and move on.
I will also mourn the loss of this in one quiet moment to myself- life is strange the twists and turns and there is something that must be done. and i will do it.
just let me have my moment.

i'm skin disease

I was looking on google at images that corresponded with my name and this is what i came up with... diseased tatoos. See i hate my super common name that everyone in the world had including football players. I feel like there is an injustice in a system where anyone can have anyone's name. it is so easy. i mean i could go today and say i want my name to be marshall smith and they would do it. now keep in mind i would NEVER do that because that name is truely a disease but you get my point. i am sad that if i am googled this is what you find for "corey l davis" - gross tatoos.

so it turns out i'm old

Today i had a realization that i am old. now i am only 23 but i am old. i am going to be married. i have a house with a garden i work in. i go to bed early, i do crosswords for fun, i have regular programming on prime time tv, i got up on both sat and sunday at 6:30am. had 5 beers and thought "at least i drank" and now i am at work and am about to commute home. i am old and i dont like it.

what are you going to do about. tell me.

flowers from my garden

I have been looking around my yard periodically and finding these great treasures in my yard. Part of me feels bad that i call it "my garden" because in reality it is from the woman that lived here before. I just have what is left over. But it is mine and i love it because everyday i am finding new things springing up here and there and i really do like it. i have been going around and taking pictures of it everyday.
I recently was promoted and i am really excited about it but nervous in the same sense. it is like i have to start from scratch on knowing all the specific stuff. i was transfered to Iowa City and now i have learn all new customers, clients, and just the perticulars. I hate it but also love the chance there. the opportunity.
I really dont have much to say i guess. I just wanted to write for writing's sake. i miss that. i need to write more. i should.

another broken promise

i guess i did it again... i failed at blogging. I know that it has been forever since i last blogged but i will say that i have gotten my computer fixed so that i can actually do stuff on my computer. it is kind of amazing.
I really dont have much to say... my life is pretty much the same. there is actually one big thing that i can't talk about yet because other people dont know what i know but once they know i will be able to talk about it.... so look forward to that.
I hung out with laura dostal and i forgot how much i missed her and other coe people. It was amazing because i got to see her senior art show and got to see what she has been doing. also we might paint this summer- i mean we are going to paint. I can't wait. I miss painting and writing and doing all those great things that I love. I can't wait til i dont work so much. it is going to be really nice.
wedding plans are going great. Just a few more major things and then it is just down to the minor details which will be nice. i am kinda crying inside because marshall isn't going to be there. I know that tyler is his brother and all but i totally called dibbs because i planned on getting married first. so i win.
the house is good. we just got done redoing our bathroom. i have a shower now. I am super excited to be able to shower now. My mom's boyfriend tiled the shower and the floor and jay and brad are doing the rest. It was a little expensive but now it is totally worth it. I will have some pictures up.
also since i last wrote... my grandpa died. Very sudden and tragic. i am sad that he isn't going to be at my wedding. i think that is the hardest thing for me to face right now. i think it is hard to grasp the idea that he is gone to i have to get through things one at a time. the wedding is big but it will be hard when i have children and they will never know my grandpa and how great he is... i know that i can tell them but they will never hear his bear attack stories or know how amazingly magnetic of a personality he had. how you just want to be around him and in his attention and know that this man loves you. loves me. loved me. I miss him. there is just so much to miss.

a day for the toilets

so i lost my cell phone today. to the toilet. it was such a split second sort of thing that i couldn't even think what happened and plunged my hand into the toilet after it. i was coming home to let the pippy out and some how she escaped from the kitchen, where we keep her during the day while we are at work, and had gotten into everything in the living room and dining room but i had to hurry and let her out to pee then i had to pee. well in my hurry to pee my phone fell out of my pocket and straight to the bottom of the toilet. and sickening plunk plunk and i knew immediately it was done. and it was. so now i have this crappy loaner phone until the 1st of march when i am eligible for my upgrade for free. i guess though that it could be worse off because they could say sorry no loaner phone for you and i would be screwed. but this one doesn't have and antenna so there is no signal and worst of all i only have like 4 numbers in it so am only able to call the bank, jay, jay's, parents and work. i dont even know my parents phone number. isn't that weird to not know phone numbers anymore. i mean i used to be able to remember all my friends numbers by heart and now i dont even know my moms. it was just speed dial three. it is strange how attached we become the familiar. whether it be speed dial 3 or 2023-
that is something else that i have been meaning to complain about. at work we have user IDs and my number since i have worked for Hertz has been 2023. this number however had to be changed for security reasons and now it is 1371 so stupid number that means nothing to me and is messing my whole world up. it is hard enough when it is password changing day but then to not have the same ID is it like taking the nose off my face and switching it like i am some sort of Mr. Potato head- and let me tell you- i am no potato. but what can you do... i just miss 2023.

so now that i dont suck at blogging so bad... could you all please send me you phone numbers. i am without and i dont know what to do.

a time to relax

i really should be in bed right now but i only have to work about 5 hours and then i am free! so i am throwing caution to then wind and staying up as late as i want. unfortunately after so many hours of work i am not going to make it much longer.
i wanted to write tonight... but i don't have much to write about. i have nothing to complain about i have plenty of things to be happy about but i wont bore you nor shall i make you jealous with the fact that i don't have to work after noon til Monday. man it feels good. i kinda wish i could have this more often. i know that i am a working woman now but man it feels good not to work.
so i have so much to get done and my cute little puppy is sleeping on a chair next to me and my ear itches.
random but whatever.
oh tonight at the gas station i had to deny this guy a sale because he didn't have his ID for his rillo. so then he used the restroom and then hung around outside asking customer for rides and money and i asked him to leave and i asked him again and then i called the cops. nothing really came of it. interesting but whatever it happens. so this is the part that really gets me. after i closed i was cleaning up, mopping, washing counters, fill the coolers, clean the bathroom... and that is when i saw what that jerk had really done. HE LEFT A TURD IN MY TOILET. then when i tried to flush it- it didn't go down it started coming back up at me.... oh my hell i thought that i was going to die. we all know how i feel about butts but i am definitely NOT OKAY with poop. i wish that i could find him and rub his nose in it. and if i see him again. i will kick him out of the store. lesson learned today don't leave me with you poop to flush or you will never be able to get a rillo at my gas station, EVER (while i am working).

c-dave, out.

paging all doctors

we got a problem... i am not sure what it is yet but my horoscope today told me to use someone else's money to buy what i want and i just realized o forgot to buy my lotto tickets... if my numbers came upi am going to be pissed and still poor. and that sucks. today i felt mean. i mean i was mean. i was getting a headache and getting annoyed at a lot of stupid little stuff but i was getting mean and i didn't want to but i just was.
i am trying to write like i used to... a lot and kinda good, that is. i just haven't had the time to sit down and write and usually my blog is my beginning of my writing... it gets the wheels in motion at least. i can tell though that i won't get much out of this brain tonight. i think it is karma coming to get me cause i was mean to the lady at rockwell today. i wasn't actually mean- i was just not nice for no reason that was her fault, so i think that is mean. you know?
So i am supposed to read marshall's blog or something but i dont know if i want to... i have been able to ignore him like "someone's" mom for like 2 months and now all of a sudden it is like i have no excuse to be a bad friend- and you know how much i hate that. i need an excuse not to be a good friend. like- "i dont have internet" "my computer is really slow" "i work to much"

what is weird i used to think that i hated all light colored sodas. mainly sprite and 7up but i was pretty sure i hated ginger ale too.... why? who knows but turns out i still dont like sprite and 7up but i love me some ginger ale. yum yum. it is like the perfect end to a day and ginger ale before bed just puts me to sleep.

my house is cold and i should be off to bed but i thought that i would check in and get a kick start on my writing. ya know.

c-dave

how not to take a shower

so as of tomorrow i will no longer have internet at my apartment. my internet service provider is cutting off my service which means... my neighbor, who i have been pirating the internet from, is moving and has to turn in his stuff tomorrow so.... i will be without. however, now that i have lived with it, as soon as jay and i get into the house we are going to get it because let's be serious- it sucks not to have it.
so this is my farewell post. see usually i just take half year to year long breaks from writing my blog and dont ever notify the reader- i'm changing, growing up, not looking back, turning a new leaf.... and telling you... i will be back.
i wanted to write tonight about a lot of funny things... about this weird internet site i heard about that has instructions on how to do everything, like how to take a shower, how to dry off, and all that stuff but i want a web site on how not to do stuff.
How Not to Take a Shower
by Corey Davis
When you get out of the shower be mindful not to slip on a wet tile. This is especially important if you happen to have empty beer bottles in the vicinity, because you might slip and fall while you are naked and well you never know where that beer bottle might end up.
**not based on a personal experience (seriously, i heard it from someone else)

see how good i am at that. i could have tons of them and just make it based on stories of others lives. it is like my advice column at Coe- only no writing in of questions just take the funny and make them "how not to's"

any way i need to go to bed.... because i will have worked 82 hours in week by the time i get off work tomorrow. and well, i am tired. so my bed and crosswords call to me- there is a good one right there... how not to be lame: dont act like corey or marshall for that matter cause he is just lame all the time.

be back as soon as i can!!!

you smell like dirt

at least this one guy at the gas station did... i mean seriously like dirt that you would wipe off the piles of old newspapers that have collected in the hallway of the cat lady's house. so maybe is was more the smell of dirt and cat piss but either way i didn't want to smell it. and well this guy had this idea that i needed someone to just hang out with me for the last 15 min of work. well let me tell you that is the worst time for someone to come hang out because that is when i start my push to get out of there. and well he didn't seem to get that, but i guess i can't expect someone to understand something like that when he can't even get that he smells bad. i also had some guy who proposed to me (no, not jay) come in and ask me when i am going to leave my husband for him... then a lady that works at the bar up the street came in to talk about the can man and his pooping escapades and what not and i am thinking.... "WHERE THE HECK AM I??"
and then i realized. a gas station. and it is just the weirdest place to be.

also i dont know if this will post for the 20th or not but that is when i am writing it.... in the last few mins. of the 20th and today is my -1 year anniversary. cool uh? weird more like it because although i already feel married... my name will no longer be cdave, it will be cpos and that sound more like an infection than a name. also i will be able to say things like "my husband mowed the yard today" instead of shouting "schlarbaum 6 has a crush on you" to that one TKE out our window all of senior year. and it is weird what (by that time will be) three years will bring you. and some people aren't there in three years and some people are and i dont know it all seems so weird and exciting but mainly weird.

and i think i've done enough thinking for night. so i am done.

extra extra

there is not going to be anything extra. but wouldn't that be great. oh before i forget, i didn't win the powerball.
i dont really want to write in this but i feel like i have to because i am going to be losing my internet soon. yes. i will be back to stupid old nothing. i was going to say dial up but forgot i wont even have that. i do plan on getting it at my new house though and well i could get it as soon as november 15th but i think after this next week (maybe sooner) i am going to be losing my internet cause dustin is moving and i have been illegal importing internet rays from his apartment.... okay i am not sure if it is illegal and i am fairly sure they are not refered to as internet "rays" but i just got so caught up in the moment.
but seriously dustin is moving and that is weird. and not so much that he is just moving but that he is leaving our branch.... it is weird cause it is OUR branch and then he is going to have this whole new branch and i am going to be there with out my partner in crime... like when we break policy or when we just break things. it is going to be weird and hard and even moreso... empty at the office. the only thing that would fill that void would be a little dwight from the real office and then i wouldn't miss dustin at all... okay that is a lie!
okay i am done writing. i promise i will have more intelligent things to say next time i am back.

how to say the hardest thing

so i have never been good at being a friend... we all know this. i have never wanted to be mean or be the bad person but i have always had a hard time saying the things i know that need to be said.... i love my vague blogs... i know there is something that i need to tell someone, something i haven't wanted to say, have hinted at, have gone over it a million times in my head, but still can't just say it... for me it is easier to fall back on being a bad friend... i would rather have someone be hurt by me that way than what i need to say... and i dont know why that is because the real thing that i am avoiding is less mean, less painful, less important when you come down to it and well that for some reason it harder for me to say that just walking away and not dealing... and well that is what i do really well... just not dealing with it. just not standing up and ever giving any excuse or real reason for what i did because i guess if you keep guessing that it is easier than you knowing i messed something up or i did that or this or not that or whatever. is that so hard to understand. i wish i could go back and make one decision the other way but i can't and i can't go back in time and make different decisions or just savor what i had... because things don't work that way and well... it sucks. it sucks that time keeps going no matter what you should have done could have done would have done... who i would have told what is not important it is only important that i deal now... why do i have to always let it come down to the wire... and why to i let it just bottle in me... like i am going to be satisfied not talking about it cause let's face it i am not ever just satisfied. why did i lie because i was easier than hurting someone so much... and well i dont know which has turned out worse. and now i just have to deal.... as much as i want to hide behind all the things i have on my plate... as much as i want to just fix and forget i can't... because there is no fix and the forget will only work for so long.
and i just don't know how to say that hardest thing.

japan, houses, and other ordinary things

SO THIS IS WHAT'S UP.

marshall is in japan. okay. it is weird 'cause even when he lived in chicago or heck even at coe i didn't see him that much but i didn't miss him, but now that he is japan for like 2 min. i miss him. there i said it. i hate myself for it but really i h8 him more. anyway. i hope that he has fun and will figure it out from here- i just hate this not having any friends near here anymore.

i am buying a house... or at least trying and well it is just such a huge thing that i keep feeling overwhelmed but the task at hand- marshall asked me if i really wanted to buy a house and settle down. at first i was unsure, i kept thinking... "am i really this ordinary girl?" but i am and i do want this house and i want to be able to afford it. and well ordinary isn't bad because i am ordinary and extrodinary in so many ways. i mean i have brown hair, and average sized feet and drive an Elantra. But i have huge dreams and big ideas and a deep love for helping and working with people- and all that is doable from here... for now. i mean i can have the things i want and have the "ordinary" all in one. i think some of the allure of settling down and having all those things i never had growing up... and although this isn't on the agenda for sometime but if you have ever known me at all... you know that more than anything i think my calling has always been to be a mother. and have an amazing family and have all the things for my kids (like stability) that i never had. the great thing about being ordinary is that i have the potential to be that and so much more- like write an amazing novel or become a dean at a college or do it all and have the ordinary and the extra... and i will love both.

i am going to go be ordinary now and do my crosswords in bed and drink my slushee, and love it!

motherhood takes her latest victim

my pig died last night giving birth to baby guineas. she was sweet and liked carrots and would squeak when i would open the fridge. it was seriously one of the most heartbreaking things to watch. she was just lying there in her pen making this horrible noise and i could just tell she was in pain. one second she was breathing and the next she wasn't. we burried her today and i cried opening the fridge when i got home because i didn't hear her little sqeak. i think that the worst part is that barnabee is gone and the babies in her are gone too and beans (the daddy) doesn't even really know what is going on. he just knows that he doesn't have his friend anymore. most people can't get how much jay and i loved these pigs so maybe they dont see how deeply this hurts or they think i am stupid cause i cried but i dont care because it is the same as losing a dog or a cat. this one goes to mother nature but i sure am going to be mad at her for a little while.
other than that... life is what it is. things suck, work sucks, my apartment is dirty, and i have a lonely pig. i'm still trying to catch up on sleep from my 80 hr work week last week and possibly gearing up for another one next week. we will see! anyway. i am excited for homecoming and jay just told me the room is moving so i think i will go check on him.

this is just how i feel

so i know you are going to inundated with 9/11 images and memories and all that but i am going to do this anyway.
i can so vividly remember that day. it was less than one month into my freshman year in college. i lived with melissa lajoie, tiffany stewart, and lindsay bowen on 3rd douglas (yes that year it was a female floor).
i guess i dont want to remember that day so much but i want to remember that feeling. because it is such a scary feeling to have... and then if we forget how we felt what did it mean in the first place. i know that we can't live in fear or in the past or any of those cliches. but i know that i hate that i can feel something so much and then not remember how important that was.... and there are times when we feel the drama of day to day event and we feel that is the most important thing and then two weeks down the road (sometimes longer) we look back and realize how silly that was but i am talking about real.... hard, painful, loving feelings. have you ever hurt somebody and then felt horrible about it and then later can't remember that pain that you felt for hurting someone. i dont want to forget those feelings.
on 9/11 i remember being a part of something larger than coe, than ottawa, than my japanese lit class... there was a greater connection to americans to families of those who passed away- i felt their pain (or as much as i could) as they searched through ash for some sign of their loved ones. i know that i dont know that pain, but i want to remember what i felt. remember how i cried for a pregnant woman who lost her husband. what i felt when i saw the second plan go into the towers... remember the feeling of being at polk elementary and trying to reassure the children things were okay and only being 18 and not knowing what okay meant or how to tell a 5 year-old kid what had happened. and well i am remembering for me moreso than you or them because if i dont remember then all those tears and moments of uncertainty is lost because i didn't gain a thing from it... that sounds really selfish but like i said... this is just how i feel.

i can't write

i have sat here for an hour trying to write but couldn't... think of anything so i am just going to tell stories from working at the gas station. there was this guy that used to come in all the time and we called him the can man. he would go around to all the dumpsters in the area and get cans and bottles to bring and get money so that he can get mini pitchers at chuck and dales. well when i was on vacation i guess he came in one night and was returning cans and he just started pooping... yes pooping in the store. so i guess he ran to the bathroom and got poop all over the bathroom. so now he isn't allowed to come into the store anymore.... i guess he has had this problem at a bunch of places and now the can man is barred from most of the SW side for pooping.
i have to work there tonight. and tomorrow. and then back to the exciting world of HERTZ on monday!!! woot woot!
i wish that i was into my job more. i mean there is something to just working for money... and not gaining anything else from it. in college i worked and i wasn't worried about having meaning because it wasn't what i was doing... what i was doing was going to college and just working for money. now what i am doing is working and i gain nothing from it. i hate it. i hate the way i just work to make money to pay bills to have nothing to show for it and to not even enjoy the job i do. there are very few times that i come home at the end of the day and i feel satisfied with what i had done that day.
i guess that i am going to go. this is the most pointless blog. sorry you had to read it

news gluttony

Gluttony i feel over fed on the news feed. facebook has taken social stalking to the next level.
i feel like dustin must have felt after 8 bowls of never ending pasta bowl, jay after 9 baskets of all you can eat wings, and marshall after one fat pig during pigfest.
well actually i am just really full myself but i am being really serious here this has gone too far. i just read about all the people who wrote on katie bunger's wall wishing her a happy birthday. i also dont like that anyone who looks at my profile will know that i wrote on holly's wall and added a new friend. this is weird. who requested this change in facebook. i mean what sick freak came up with this idea. ummm i am going to eat some tiramissu (however you spell that) even though i am really full
corey

i miss him too

i know this is weird. and certain people will understand this but i dont care. you know when you just have someone who is your friend... who is unconditionally there for you. and then it is like he is all of a sudden just out of your life. i dont even feel like i know anything going on... and well i hate it cause there are all these other poeple who are there in that life he misses and that miss him and you want to yell at and say... "no, i miss him" but you can't cause those people are your friends too and well you also know that you haven't been that good of a friend as you should have been. and now he is leaving. and i can't say "i miss you" or "i'll miss you" cause because that isn't the way we work. i just miss all the funny things that we used to come up with... cause let's face it we were hilarious. and i know that we still are and that we are still friends but i also know that he lives in the now and and i am not there and haven't been and i am just going to be sad and then i will get over it. and know that i am okay and that our friendship is okay. i just miss him.
and like i said i will get over it. but not today. today is my day of mourning... and i am not mourning our friendship... i am mourning all those moments where we just had fun. where we had no worries other than the paper we had to write and the other minor dramas and i wasn't missing i was just living. i want to just live again. and not have to miss so i am going to just mourn those moments so i can bury them down deep and then it won't miss so bad.
but i am going to miss today. and there is nothing i want done about it... just to miss and mourn.

click the refresh

so i am going to start a new blog. i know i know i am giving up on the old one but i have decided that i need to start to seperate myself from the coreyatcoe persona. i am gettting there. i have recently changed my email address so i no longer have coemail and my default in everything. also i have decided that i am gradually trying to work my way into not using my coreyatcoe screen name. but that will take time.
today has been long and tomorrow is friday so thursdays usually feel long in anticipation for friday. i dont like my job. in fact i just want a new one. but i am working on that too. i hate that i dread going to work and it doesn't help that my co-worker feels the same and we just feed off each others apathy. we have a never ending supply of apathy and complaints which i love and hate but most love because it gives us something to talk about... and complain about and man do we love to complain.
well i hate to say it (or type it) but i must go cause it is almost bedtime and well i am old and need lots and lots of sleep.